A 35-year-old Israeli man was rushed to the hospital on Friday after a snake appeared in his bathroom toilet, jumped at the man as he was relieving himself, and bit him square on the penis. The snake wasn’t poisonous, but the poor guy knew something horrible had happened as soon as a burning sensation rose up his junk. Paramedics say he was lucky: Israel is full of deadly snake species, and this man was fortunate enough to survive the bite with no injury.
To which I say, no, he was not lucky. A SNAKE BIT HIM ON THE PENIS. A terrifying animal attacked this man with a low-blow dick bite during every guy’s most precious and sacred time of the day—john time. This is an attack most foul. This is warfare.
How can you prevent such an attack from affecting you? I just grabbed these tips from the Humane Society’s website. Looks like we’ve all got some snake-proofing to do tonight:
Closely inspect the foundation. Snakes like to slither in through unsealed wire or pipe conduits, or basement windows or doors that do not seal tightly. Seal these openings—plus others at or near ground level—immediately. (If you’ve already found a snake in your house, remember what size he was and look for openings large enough for the snake’s head to pass through.)
Some snakes are also good climbers, and trees, shrubs, stone walls or chimneys may provide access to the roof. So be sure to check for openings around the eaves and roof. Inspect the space behind concrete porches, steps, and decks, which all attach to the house.
Once the entire exterior has been inspected and one or more openings have been discovered, decide which opening is likely to be the main snake entrance.
Seal all the openings except the suspected main entrance. On that opening, install a one-way door for snakes.