just as the title says this blog is about words, images, solid, statements, foundations, what goes on paper, what is on the ground, growth, and whatever the blogger
part of my family knows about a terrifying moment of my life when I was finding myself as a teen. I was routinely use for sexual purposes by a man who at first I thought was a friend, I could trust. He took me to a place an apartment suite in the west end of Edmonton. A suite he had access to which became a part of my dirty secret for over 3 years. He even took me to his home and had on the bed he shared with his wife, I felt evil I hate myself for not saying anything at the time.
He gave me money and made sex into means of gaining favour from others. I was confused and hurt.
I had come out of the Glenrose School Hospital for sick children’s, 3rd floor mental health ward for children. I was not behaving like a boy, more like a female. I love sewing, cooking, flowers, crafts, etc. I was told that I could not do those things and put in a workshop to do so called ‘boys’ stuff. I was so confused and struggled with the fact that I was called a fag or sissy yet confused, I liked others boys I wanted to be housewife one day. The sexual things started as I was beginning to come out of the hospital at a family gathering, a engagement party with both families of my brother and sister-in-law. He tickled me, he fed me grapes made me feel, confused. He confused me.
I held that into myself from my family and friends until I was thirty some. Most of my family believed me and accepted me except the man’s side of our family, my brother. It hurt me to share it. I was treated like I did an evil thing.
When I was in my forty’s I struggle for the last time with being in the body. I had tried prayer, religion, spirituality, and more religion, you get the picture. Then I decided to transition to have Gender Reassignment Surgery to bring my body to meet my mind and soul of a woman. In January 2009 my body match with my mind and soul. I am now a female.
Weird, that some members of my family decided to agree with my brother and say I was the liar.
I was not always honesty or truthful, I hide my desire to be a woman, even made statements against it. Yet always finding the woman the female inside of me.
I have been very alone. Very little acceptance by my family or even attempts of getting to know the female I have become. My friends I could understand but my family, not all a few of my nephews have talked to me and keep in touch with me, a few hellos from some.
I would love to go to family events. Yet from a few contacts early in my transition to weddings, felt like my family was uncomfortable with me.
I just feel like a outcast the black evil,….
I live a moral life, in that I care about others. I am more of a humanist then a Christian, actually more of a agnostic or atheist if you want a title.
I am though Axcella the daughter of Peter and Ruth. I am related to my the sons and daughter of Peter and Ruth.
This is written as a result of watching the movie, “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” check it out if you want.
This was what was on my mind.